Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
