Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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