You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
time to smoke my breakfast
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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