i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
