This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
