if you like me you must not know who I am
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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