look no pants
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
