Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
