Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
