my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
