a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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