The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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