Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize