I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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