You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
