so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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