He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
