i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
