Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
