my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Randomize
