I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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