it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
