sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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