I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize