The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
