i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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