Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
