I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
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