Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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