Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
