I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
