Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
