I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
