your parents love me but you hate me
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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