if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
