I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
