I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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