theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
