watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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