I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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