Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
