Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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