you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
from now on my penis is your penis
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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