My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
