I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
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