Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
