Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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