My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
