oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
