We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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