from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
