it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Randomize
