I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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