What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
