Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
