I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
