Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize