What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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