I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
