You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
