she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
