I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize