just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
