My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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