The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
