i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize