Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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