yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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